Sorry, not sorry.

Have spent most of my life thinking that paradise was this, friendships were like that, families acted like such and days would pass just like in storybooks. I have spent a time trying to be the perfect wife, lover, friend, worker or mother. Using the preferred tone of voice, keeping thoughts to myself rather than share, and not offer more than needed. Mostly in personal relationships; never fully giving of me, never allowing myself to fall, to depend on another..because I know fairy tales don't come true..or do they?

I realize now as I push 40 that unless we do this, let down the walls and show our true selves..people will never be able to "be" with us the way we really need them to. If we are not vulnerable, we are never really able to let someone close.

I'm not always proud of everything I have done in my 38 years, but I can say each experience and each relationship has led me to where I am, to a better understanding of just what I need from a lover, family member,  friend, or a work challenge. Environments that;

  • encourage each to be independent

  • demand the best of each

  • suggest and stimulate- exploring new places

  • learn from each other

  • talk about needs honestly

  • allow each to give back

  • find the value and treasure in each other

  • allow  forgiveness

  • grow separate and together, experience newness

  • take equal risk

There is so much more. So much to this that goes beyond what I plan to type today. I know that I would trade every fast paced morning, shopping trip, night at the bar, movie outing, TV watching, or dinner date for a simple lay down next to me on a blanket and allow openness and sharing and the mind to release with endless chatter with no opinions formed, promises of nothing will change, let that on the tip of your tongue go, for this is the moment when we allow ourselves to feel safe. To feel your true heartbeat.

These are the moments. If you found this I think you are on the way to your fairytale.

So, going back to all these times where I have wore the hat and the voice and acted in the way that a human should in certain times. I also have just a few times allowed myself to let these walls down. To take the risk as I describe above. To trust someone with more of me. Thats when it hurts. When the risk took, did not end in the fairytale. It hurts bad..

But, as sorry as I am, I am not sorry, because everything I learned from it puts me in a better position to allow myself to try again..to understand how I can give more, how someone can give best to me, and prepare myself for when my actual fairytale story begins..

Heather Mason